saddened at the thought

im saddened to think that the moment i shows signs of happiness there is always someone who pops in with some comment or lecture about why im wrong for being happy.

at this point in my life i consider myself an adult, ill be able to purchase alcohol in about a week and have been able to vote for a few years now,i work and go to school. yes i still live at home,but i am orking on moving out hopefully this year.

I dont like being talked to like im still in High School,its a literal insult. I dont like being talked to like im ignorant,innocent or just oblivious to everything around me,

If i am happy, all of the lectures and such are all things that just piss me off. I mean everyone has made choices to be happy that were not approved by everyone else. this isnt an office or chain of command that dictates whether or not i can be happy. I make choices as i see fit, for one simple reason: ITS MY LIFE.

i dont see why everyone including parents ever think that voicing disapproval and yelling lecturing etc will actually change anything. I made a choice and it wasnt even a drastic one, but its like heads roll because im happy and made a choice.

maybe one day they will get it that it doesnt make a difference. everyone makes choices that their parents or friends dont agree with but hat do they do? shut their mouths and deal with it because its not their life its someone else's life. when will people see that applies to me as well?

Maybe Im Losing My Mind

Please take my heart,cant you hear? I'm afraid the darkness is drawing near.

If you want me you can have me I'm standing right here.

My heart is gleaming as the words fall out, whether i love you or not,one day i will shout.

 to the world the rooftops and more, from every mountain to every shore.

there is no light like yours and mine, oh that touch is so divine.

i fall past the windows and quick past the stairs,suddenly i scream but no body cares.

jolted by fear and my heart feeling shuddered, i can only look in the dark and silently mutter.

to myself you see for my mind has gone wild, the pain is just fine maybe hot,maybe mild.

i crawl into your arms for saftey and comfort, you make me smile with little to no effort,

ive lost all hope in the twists and the turns, over and over i seem to get burned.

Please hear me for my words reveal the depths of my soul, the heart ache the pain, the actions of a fool.

You...me..

There are feelings i cannot describe even if i wanted.

Sometimes my dreams turn for the worst and are haunted. 

I have a past of dark tales and secrets unknown.

Im afraid of the ending the comes once youre shown.

Im afraid to let you in past the door,  but when our lips touch, my heart hits the floor. 

Theres no hiding the feelings i have, its just impossible, trust me ive tried.

Ill tell you the truth, I dont have to lie..

I've lied and ive cheated, with mad regret it wont be repeated.

Stubborn,childish,flirty and loud.

Is that something youd call yours and be proud?

the feelings i have run deeper than the sea.

I look in your eyes and it feels like you know me.

Your eyes are so whimsical,divine and sincere.

A Smile that makes me nervous,giddy and flushed.

Your say my name and is sounds so different. 

Self control is weary and crushed by temptation, the risks are so high but then again so am I. 

One step past the darkness is the light that we seek, but its not as easy as crossing the street. 

There are just a few snags in our dreaming and planning.

Just waiting for changes, discussion and endings.

Time is a virtue and patience a necessity.

But i wont lie, my heart doesnt tell time.

I have no patience.

Please dont tell me you love me.

Dont you see?

Telling me will surely destroy me inside.

The words we exchange change my perspective

They cheer me up, and show how receptive.

Your words,your touch it drives me insane.

Ill never be able to fully explain

I dont want to hide how i feel for you, even though i know im the one who said it should be discrete. I want to be with you, i want to be yours, and you to be mine. I want to tell everyone, including you...

I went from...

A lot in my life has changed in the last year or so. yea i understand its a new year but since the last ne years a lot has changed. by comparison its a lot better.

 I went from living with a verbally and emotionally abusive boyfriend/would be dictator who believed he was mater of the universe, to being back at home with a more negotiable democratic master of the universe, aka dad. 

I went from having no job at all to having a job and holding it, and being good at it. the owners like me and the managers like me. well maybe not me but my work ethic. I didnt realize it was a difficult job.

I am in school, and doing well. 

Recovering from having my gallbladder removed, ill be fine just a little pain and difficulty digesting, and sneezing. (sneezing hurts soooo bad)

i went from a horrible,exhausting relationship to being very content and happy with being single and not worrying about anyone or anything, to seeking a relationship with someone who is currently unavailable. its sad and hurts but i am willing to wait and i like to think he does as well:

"..I cant wait for us to be together, you are a spark of hope and love and im glad you came into my life when you did.."

 but then again i cant be 100% sure. there is a lot of baggage and skeletons that will be dealt with on a regular basis. but i care about that man so much, that im willing to risk it and see how things will go.

lots of changes and hopefully more that are better or at least positive