Weird Dream

Well, as of right now I'm not allowing certain people to get on planes.
I had a very weird and kinda scary dream last night.

It felt like a Reunion of people i went to school with as far back as Junior High.

My Yayo for some reason got on a plane to go to Germany.
Laina, Michael, Mychal,Alex,Erick, my dad and Nutz all got on a plane going to some other country.

Someone said their planes had crashed and no one survived.

Then the reasons why the planes went down started up.
Malfunction
equiptment
engine failure

and some genius I went to school with decided to say
"maybe its a zombie apocalypse."

So we start talking about zombies and how they could have caused the crash.
lol we even pretended to be zombies and freakin out

Then the mentally challenged girl i went to school with in Junior High that everyone made fun of(i think she was autistic) shows up and actually starts trying to eat people!!

I woke up during the scramble to either kill her or run..

Dirty/Tristed Night Before Christmas

Dirty/Tristed Night Before Christmas

T'was the night before christmas
And all through the house
Everyone felt shitty
Even the mouse

Mom at the whorehouse
And dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down
For a nice piece of ass

When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
To see what's the matter

Then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
It must be Saint Nick

He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
The old fucker fell

He filled all our stockings
With pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick
For my brother the queer

He rose up the chimney
With a thuderous fart
The son of a bitch
Blew the chimney apart

He swore and he cursed
As he rode out of sight
Piss on you all
And have a good night!

 Originally From Here

Twas The Night Before Christmas (For Teacher)

Twas The Night Before Christmas (For Teacher)

'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school
Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule.
The children were busy with paper and paste;
The mess that they made with it couldn't be faced.

The teacher half frantic and almost in tears,
Had just settled down to work with her dears,
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter
up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!

Away to the door they all flew like a flash;
The one who was leading went down with a crash.
Then what to their wondering eyes did appear
But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)

When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick.
She knew in a moment it must be Old Nick!
She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain)
But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name;

"Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry!
Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry!
Now get to your places get away from the hall
Now get away! Get away! Get away all!

As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
The pupils, pell mell, started scurrying by.
They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the aisle;
Their faces were shining and each had a smile.

First came a basket of popcorn to string
Then came the Christmas tree (menacing thing).
As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout;
The pupils were merrily romping about.

The state they were in could lead to a riot;
The teacher was sure, if allowed, they would try it.
Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples were throbbing!
The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!

The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask;
It was plain that she didn't feel up to her task.
The look in her eye would have tamed a wild steer,
But the children ignored it; they did every year.

A tear from her eye and a shake of her head
Soon led me to think that she wished she were dead.
She spoke not a word but went straight to her work,
Strung all the popcorn which broke with a jerk.

But at last it was finished and placed on the tree;
Then came the bell and the children were free.
Their shrill little voices soon faded away
And peace was restored at the end of the day.

As she looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall,
She smiled as she whispered,

"Merry Christmas to All"

Originally From Here

Prison Night Before Christmas(not mine)

Prison Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the cells
The convicts were locked up
All madder than hell

Except for the lifers
Kicked back in their bunks
Heads filled with visions
Of fat little punks

When suddenly from the roof top
There arose such a roar
That the bulls thought it was
A riot for sure

The goon squad ran in
And stood ready to hit
A big guard yelled out
Who started this shit

It came from the roof top
Sniveled a snitch
It must be a breakout
Oh, son of a bitch

They climbed to the roof
By way of the stairs
Found a fat little freak
In red underwear

No, No yelled the dude
I bring you good cheer
Damn said the Captain
We found us a queer

Alright mother fucker
Get your hands on the wall
They shook him down good
Asshole and all

They beat him and threw him
Into the hole with a kick
Well so much for Christmas
They locked up St. Nick 

Originally From Here

Drunk Night Before Christmas(not mine)

Drunk Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house,
There were bottles and butts left around by some louse.
And the best fifth I'd hidden by the chimney with care
Had been snatched by some bum who had found it right there.

My pals: guys and gals had been poured into their beds
To wake in the morning with hungover heads.
My mouth, full of cotton, dropped down with a snap
Because I was dying for one wee nightcap.

When through the south window there came such a yell,
I sprang to my feet to see what the hell...
And what to my bloodshot eyes should I see
But eight drunken reindeer caught in a tree.

Way in 'mongst the branches was a man in a sleigh.
I saw it was Santa, quite oiled and tres gay.
Staggering nearer those eight reindeer came
As he burped and hiccupped and called them by name:

"On Whiskey, on Vodka, we ain't got all night!
You too, Gin and Brandy, now all do it right.
Clammer up to the roof; get the hell off this wall!
Get going you rummies, we've still a long haul!"

So up on the roof went the reindeer and sleigh,
But a tree branch hit Santa before he could sway
And then to my ears, like the roll of a barrel,
Came a hell of a noise that was no Christmas carol.

So I pulled in my head and cocked a sharp ear.
Down the chimney he plunged, landing smack on his rear.
He was dressed all in red, with white fur for a trim.
And the way Santa swayed, he was tanked to the brim.

The sack on his back held nothing but booze,
And the breath that he blew nearly put me to snooze.
He was both plump and chubby and tried to stand right.
But he didn't fool me; he was high as a kite.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
And missed half the stockings, the plastered old jerk.
And laying his thumb on the end of his nose,
He fluttered his fingers as he quoted prose.

He sprang for his sleigh at so hasty a pace
He tripped on a shingle and slid on his face.
But I heard him burp back as he passed out of sight:
"Merry Christmas, you lushes, now really get tight." 


Originally from Here

Redneck Night Before Christmas(not mine)

Redneck Night Before Christmas

’Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin’, cept the lice on muh back.
The skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were sleepin’, all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake..
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I’s on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny’s transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin’.
Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin’.
When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin’ sheep.

With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin’ and sick
I said “Shoot Fire!” That must be St. Nick!
More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called ’em by name.

Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!
From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole’Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning’s hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he’d picked up in ’Nam.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain’t seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid’s stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren’t very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can’t beat the price.

He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing
Jingle Bells ringing on ma dingaling.
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.

When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.
He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
“Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!”

And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
“MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU REDNECKS!
MERRY CHRISTMAS Y’ALL!”

Originally From Here

Texas Night Before Christmas (not Mine)

Texas Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, in Texas, you know.
Way out on the prairie, without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
A dreamin’ of Christmas, like me and you.

Not stockings, but boots, at the foot of their bed,
For this was Texas, what more need be said,
When all of a sudden, from out of the still night,
There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright.

And I saw ’cross the prairie, like a shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard, come on at a run,
The driver was “Geein” and “Hawin”, with a will,
The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

“Come on there Buck, Poncho, & Prince, to the right,
There’ll be plenty of travelin’ for you all tonight.”
The driver in Levi’s and a shirt that was red,
Had a ten-gallon Stetson on top of his head.

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,
With his beard and mustache, so curly and white.
As he burst in the cabin, the Children awoke,
And were so astonished, that neither one spoke.

And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,
That neither could think of a single thing more.
When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper, “Are you really Santa Claus?”

“Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?”
And he smiled as he gave a mysterious wink.
Then he leaped in his buckboard, and called back in his drawl,
“To all the children in Texas, Merry Christmas, Y’all”

Originally from Here

Night Before Christmas...Ghetto Style(Not Mine)

Night Before Christmas...Ghetto Style

'Twas da night befo' Christmas and all in the hood
Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good
The tube socks was hung on the window sill
And we all had smiles up on our grill
Mookie and Bebe was snug in the crib
Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system's fly
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas'
Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's-
Well anyway
I yelled to my lady, "Yo peep this!"
She said, "Stop frontin', just mind yo' bidness!"
I said, "For real doe, come check dis out!"
We weren't even buggin, no worries, no doubt
Cuz bumpin and thumpin' from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh
Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat
I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!"
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz
"Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!
To the top of the projects and across the strip mall
We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"
He pulled up his ride on the top of da roof
And sippin' on a 40, he busted a move
I yelled up to Santa, "Yo, ain't got no stack!"
He said, "Damn homie, dese projects is wack!
But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."
Out from his bag he pulled 3 tings
A credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin
He slid down the fire escape smoove as a cat
And busted the window with a b-ball bat
I said, "Whassup, Santa? Why'd ya bust my place?"
He said, "You best get on up out my face!"
His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold
His sneaks was Puma and they was five years old
He dropped down the duffle, Clippers logo on the side
Santa broke out da loot & my mouf popped open wide.
A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof
He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof
He jumped in his hooptie with rims made of chrome
To tap that booty waitin at home

Originally from Here