Redneck Night Before Christmas(not mine)

Redneck Night Before Christmas

’Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin’, cept the lice on muh back.
The skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were sleepin’, all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake..
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I’s on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny’s transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin’.
Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin’.
When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin’ sheep.

With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin’ and sick
I said “Shoot Fire!” That must be St. Nick!
More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called ’em by name.

Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!
From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole’Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning’s hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he’d picked up in ’Nam.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain’t seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid’s stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren’t very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can’t beat the price.

He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing
Jingle Bells ringing on ma dingaling.
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.

When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.
He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
“Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!”

And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
“MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU REDNECKS!
MERRY CHRISTMAS Y’ALL!”

Originally From Here

Night Before Christmas...Ghetto Style(Not Mine)

Night Before Christmas...Ghetto Style

'Twas da night befo' Christmas and all in the hood
Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good
The tube socks was hung on the window sill
And we all had smiles up on our grill
Mookie and Bebe was snug in the crib
Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system's fly
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas'
Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's-
Well anyway
I yelled to my lady, "Yo peep this!"
She said, "Stop frontin', just mind yo' bidness!"
I said, "For real doe, come check dis out!"
We weren't even buggin, no worries, no doubt
Cuz bumpin and thumpin' from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh
Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat
I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!"
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz
"Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!
To the top of the projects and across the strip mall
We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"
He pulled up his ride on the top of da roof
And sippin' on a 40, he busted a move
I yelled up to Santa, "Yo, ain't got no stack!"
He said, "Damn homie, dese projects is wack!
But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."
Out from his bag he pulled 3 tings
A credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin
He slid down the fire escape smoove as a cat
And busted the window with a b-ball bat
I said, "Whassup, Santa? Why'd ya bust my place?"
He said, "You best get on up out my face!"
His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold
His sneaks was Puma and they was five years old
He dropped down the duffle, Clippers logo on the side
Santa broke out da loot & my mouf popped open wide.
A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof
He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof
He jumped in his hooptie with rims made of chrome
To tap that booty waitin at home

Originally from Here

Waiting for a Money Shot? (Explicit Content)

I just talked about the Duck Face Girls but, I feel i need to attack the Money Shot Girls next.

Dear Money Shot Girls,

Taking a picture with your mouth wide open, tongue hanging out while flipping off the camera doesn't make you cute, classy,ghetto fabulous,a bad bitch or attractive. 

 It makes you look like straight up Ghetto Hood Rat Trash. It Looks like you are waiting for a Money Shot to the face!

I'm pretty sure none of you Money Shot Girls even knows what a Money Shot is. If you do, good. Go tell all your Friends/Home Girls etc so when they take these pictures they are fully aware of how trashy they are.

For those of you who don't know Pay Attention:

Money Shot Definition  : External male ejaculation in a pornographic film onto his partner's body.

 The term comes from earlier days of pornography in which sex acts were often simulated, and this showed that it was not. It was referred to as "The Money Shot", because customers were willing to pay a higher price for actual than stimulated sex.

Now that you know what a Money Shot is Please just stop embarrassing yourself You don't need to make yourself look like ghetto hood rat trash. You shouldn't want to look like your waiting for a money shot in the face!!