saddened at the thought

im saddened to think that the moment i shows signs of happiness there is always someone who pops in with some comment or lecture about why im wrong for being happy.

at this point in my life i consider myself an adult, ill be able to purchase alcohol in about a week and have been able to vote for a few years now,i work and go to school. yes i still live at home,but i am orking on moving out hopefully this year.

I dont like being talked to like im still in High School,its a literal insult. I dont like being talked to like im ignorant,innocent or just oblivious to everything around me,

If i am happy, all of the lectures and such are all things that just piss me off. I mean everyone has made choices to be happy that were not approved by everyone else. this isnt an office or chain of command that dictates whether or not i can be happy. I make choices as i see fit, for one simple reason: ITS MY LIFE.

i dont see why everyone including parents ever think that voicing disapproval and yelling lecturing etc will actually change anything. I made a choice and it wasnt even a drastic one, but its like heads roll because im happy and made a choice.

maybe one day they will get it that it doesnt make a difference. everyone makes choices that their parents or friends dont agree with but hat do they do? shut their mouths and deal with it because its not their life its someone else's life. when will people see that applies to me as well?

Maybe Im Losing My Mind

Please take my heart,cant you hear? I'm afraid the darkness is drawing near.

If you want me you can have me I'm standing right here.

My heart is gleaming as the words fall out, whether i love you or not,one day i will shout.

 to the world the rooftops and more, from every mountain to every shore.

there is no light like yours and mine, oh that touch is so divine.

i fall past the windows and quick past the stairs,suddenly i scream but no body cares.

jolted by fear and my heart feeling shuddered, i can only look in the dark and silently mutter.

to myself you see for my mind has gone wild, the pain is just fine maybe hot,maybe mild.

i crawl into your arms for saftey and comfort, you make me smile with little to no effort,

ive lost all hope in the twists and the turns, over and over i seem to get burned.

Please hear me for my words reveal the depths of my soul, the heart ache the pain, the actions of a fool.

You...me..

There are feelings i cannot describe even if i wanted.

Sometimes my dreams turn for the worst and are haunted. 

I have a past of dark tales and secrets unknown.

Im afraid of the ending the comes once youre shown.

Im afraid to let you in past the door,  but when our lips touch, my heart hits the floor. 

Theres no hiding the feelings i have, its just impossible, trust me ive tried.

Ill tell you the truth, I dont have to lie..

I've lied and ive cheated, with mad regret it wont be repeated.

Stubborn,childish,flirty and loud.

Is that something youd call yours and be proud?

the feelings i have run deeper than the sea.

I look in your eyes and it feels like you know me.

Your eyes are so whimsical,divine and sincere.

A Smile that makes me nervous,giddy and flushed.

Your say my name and is sounds so different. 

Self control is weary and crushed by temptation, the risks are so high but then again so am I. 

One step past the darkness is the light that we seek, but its not as easy as crossing the street. 

There are just a few snags in our dreaming and planning.

Just waiting for changes, discussion and endings.

Time is a virtue and patience a necessity.

But i wont lie, my heart doesnt tell time.

I have no patience.

Please dont tell me you love me.

Dont you see?

Telling me will surely destroy me inside.

The words we exchange change my perspective

They cheer me up, and show how receptive.

Your words,your touch it drives me insane.

Ill never be able to fully explain

I dont want to hide how i feel for you, even though i know im the one who said it should be discrete. I want to be with you, i want to be yours, and you to be mine. I want to tell everyone, including you...

I went from...

A lot in my life has changed in the last year or so. yea i understand its a new year but since the last ne years a lot has changed. by comparison its a lot better.

 I went from living with a verbally and emotionally abusive boyfriend/would be dictator who believed he was mater of the universe, to being back at home with a more negotiable democratic master of the universe, aka dad. 

I went from having no job at all to having a job and holding it, and being good at it. the owners like me and the managers like me. well maybe not me but my work ethic. I didnt realize it was a difficult job.

I am in school, and doing well. 

Recovering from having my gallbladder removed, ill be fine just a little pain and difficulty digesting, and sneezing. (sneezing hurts soooo bad)

i went from a horrible,exhausting relationship to being very content and happy with being single and not worrying about anyone or anything, to seeking a relationship with someone who is currently unavailable. its sad and hurts but i am willing to wait and i like to think he does as well:

"..I cant wait for us to be together, you are a spark of hope and love and im glad you came into my life when you did.."

 but then again i cant be 100% sure. there is a lot of baggage and skeletons that will be dealt with on a regular basis. but i care about that man so much, that im willing to risk it and see how things will go.

lots of changes and hopefully more that are better or at least positive

talia castellano

talia castellano, talia, talia is all i have seen all over Facebook today and yesterday. Who the hell is she? I asked.

I'm informed she is a girl with cancer, sorry HAD cancer who was an honorary Cover Girl. Her motto was the same as a line I swear I hear in Finding Nemo.."just keep swimming". An inspiration because she didn't let her illness get the best of her, always stayed positive etc etc.

Maybe I'm being a heartless hateful soulless bitch but I don't see the big deal. To her parents, yes, they just lost their daughter. My question is, what makes this little girl so much more important than everything else that's going on right now? so many people are caught up feeling so bad for this little girl dying or a mesical condition that has NO CURE,that they forget that there so many other little girls out there who have already died or are going to die because they also have cancer, but we're not going to hear about them all over Facebook. She didn't do anything note worthy, she did the norm and is being worshiped practically by all the people who followed her and facebooked her.

Staying positive, and all that bullshit is what your supposed to do, is what every single person who survived cancer or are still fighting do. I thought I was going to lose someone I love to cancer, but instead we all stayed positive. He never let his illness get the better of him and he survived and is cancer free.

I'm not hating on her, I'm glad she is not longer suffering, I'm hating on the fact that people idolize her.

Racial Bullshit

Since everyone has a stick up their ass lately about racial crap I'm here to say I don't fuckin care. The US is a melting pot people! We learned (well i learned) about that in junior high. How many of you are one race? I know damn good and well its not a lot. For a fact. I am Irish, Swedish,Mexican, and Choctaw Indian. 

One black kid gets killed by a Graham Cracker (he's White and Hispanic), yes that's right, he's not just a white guy who shot a black kid, and the media goes nuts..I'm sitting here thinking:
"These fuckin idiots"
You all are ao worked up over it, you forget there are thousands of kids being killed. There are hundreds of people killed in nlack on black crime, and no one seems to care. Only if its a non-black person being accused.

Racism is very much alive in the US. The Zimmerman trial just happened to point out that blacks are the more racist group of people.

Don't get it twisted people, I am not a racist, I can honestly say I hate all races equally. Many think that's a cop out or a lie but its true, and ill tell you why:

White People: they have a mr.universe conplex because their white, as thought they are the superior race, and have been taught that their entire lives. They trampled every other race to build this great nation that's falling apart.

Black People: its sad that they have to be categorised as eithe black or a nigger. I hate that word but I now understand the difference. They talk as though they have the vocabulary of a first grader. They chose to represent themselves a certain way and then get defensive when you treat them a certain way

Asians: honestly I just hate how their women are ridiculously gorgeous to the extent that the rest of us don't stand a chance..

Mexicans/Hispanics: if you are here illegally I think you need to get your ass back to Mexico. Sounds hateful but my family came here from Mexico, but they did it right! If your going to come here I think you should have to learn English, take the citizenship test in English.

I don't understand how people can support this country, knowing its built on the Idea that different people of different backgrounds and different ways of life can come together and live as one, and work together dispite the differences, can still hate people solely based on the color of their skin. Poor Martin Luther King...shame he fought so hard for something, only to have things regress.

Referees? or Players?

I have had it up to here with this crap. I'm pretty sure anyone who has played more than a season of Soccer will understand.

In soccer there are 11 people per team on the field at one time(yes 11 including the keeper/goalie)
There are 2 AR's aka Assistant Ref's, they run up and down the sideline in an attempt to be positive that you are or are not offsides.
Then Ladies and germs there is ONE center Ref.

Now I admit on while sitting on the sidelines players question the refs calls:

"wasnt that a hand ball?"
"how is that not a call?"

Thats one thing, everyone does that, but im telling you right now it really grinds my gears to hear the players on the field question the refs call.

If the ref doesnt see it, he cant call it.

If you were shoved to the ground as you were falling and the ref doesnt call it, THEN SUCK IT UP!!
If you were elbowed while fighting for the ball and its not called..THEN SUCK IT UP!!

I may not agree with the refs choice but its his call not yours.
Unless you would like to swap out your jersey for a refs and be given a whistle by all means.

I complain about refs, but i NEVER get in their face and tell them they are wrong.

If the calls are not going your way, suck it up. Tell your players its a soccer game not UFC. There is no need to get hostile or try to fight with someone.

However, Soccer is a contact sport.

 If you want a call every time you hit the ground, GO HOME!

If youre a girl and feel the guys were too rough with you on the field, then GO HOME!

My point is, unless you are wearing a referee jersey then keep your mouth shut, keep your comments to yourself, and save that UFC bullshit for when your fighting with your siblings!

Out of Proportion

Well, its official. An official from the national "Justice for Trayvon" announced to the press after the verdict that they will be hosting a press conference on Sunday at the courthouse.

Do you want to know why they are having a press conference?

To announce an National day of protest for Monday.

Go ahead and protest the verdict or whatever it is your protesting, but in a year or so, no one ill be protesting or causing a scene. By then there will be another racial based court case.

Sick Son of a Bitch

While on the CNN website rummaging through the many Zimmerman articles I come across one that literally made my stomach drop.

Some Sick Son of a Bitch in Pennsylvania set his (now ex) girlfriend's 7 year old son on fire! A 35 year old man and his two sons, ages 11 and 15, shot this boy with pellet guns in the face, and all over his body. They then poured nail polish remover all over the boys shirt and set him on fire.

His mother(the girlfriend) came home to her son sitting on a couch covered in burns. 10% of his body as covered in 3rd degree burns.

How could it get any worse you ask?
He recorded it on his phone.

that's a level of twisted I never ever want to see.

Zimmerman

Now I haven't been following this case religiously like some have, but I followed it here and there. I mean its hard not to when its literally plastered on every news channel possible.

This is going to cause an uproar. Too many people where focusing on the racial factors in this case instead of the case itself and the facts that where presented. The Black community(yes i said black, ill explain later) is upset and angry because a black kid was killed. That's it, bottom line.

This is going to piss some people off but, i honestly don't care about the verdict. Yes, a mother lost her son, a child lost their life, but i will not sit here and be blinded, this so called child was not as innocent as he was presented. There was a fight between them, it was not one sided, it was not some grown man killing an innocent child. Zimmerman killed Trayvon, that was never up for debate. whether or not Zimmerman would serve jail time or not was the question. Zimmerman was found Not Guilty. Ok, that should be the end of it. 

Zimmerman will forever have a target on his back. Whether he deserves to walk around as a target, I am not one to say,but  legally he is not guilty of anything. Just hope there isn't a story on the news in the next fe months that Zimmerman was killed or something.

Quilts and Things

Well today I begin my weekend of grandparent bonding time.

Meaning there is some sort of quilt function going on. More specifically speaking a quilt show in Humble.

Quilt shows are just that. An entire show of different types of quilts on display and booths set up to sell anything and everything needed to make a quilt. Fabric, sewing machines, quilting machines, thread, patterns etc etc. Then therevare the scattered booths of jewelry, beads, and other crafts and homemade crafts for sale.

Now I know what your thinking. Why on earth would I want to spend a weekend surrounded by little old ladys and their quilts??

Well ill tell you.
The quilts on display are amazing and ridiculously good.

The little old ladys love when their friends grandkids come.

There is always food

Ups my golden child status :)

All in all its great. :) ill be sure to do a follow up blog with pictures of the different quilts I find interesting

No more pride

As most people know, I was living in Port Arthur with a "significant" other.
But as of this past week I am back in Orange and making some changes.

I dont want any sympathetic "oh what happened?" Or "are you doin ok?". Just dont ask.

I am fine. I realized I deserved better than what I was getting. I didnt need or have to deal with the words that were thrown around.

I now realize I hate changing my address. I hate being cussed at. And I hate that im so behind in life. Im not where I want to be.

If anyone knows or hears of a job opening let me know. Or if by any chance you know someone who wants to just give money away..lol (I wish right? Lol)

There are going to be some changes made. Dont be too against the changes I make..right now I just need support and encouragement to get where I want to go..

So I have no more pride. I had to swallow it all when I called my dad and asked if I could come home. But at this moment it was the right thing to do

Irritating

Every year there are numerous stories all over the news about Americans who go to other countries either on business or for pleasure. All fine and dandy except they are not on the news because they have miraculous vacation photos or have signed some major piece of paper declaring world peace. No, they end up on the news because they go missing, get kidnapped, locked up in jail or end up dead.

I am not sure if i have made it clear before or not but I feel like all of these Americans that decide to go to these hostile countries, most of whom have stated in one way or another that they hate Americans, are stupid and have their priorities out of place.

I'm curious as to what motivates these people to put all of their hard work an effort into trying to help the people in these countries, or what motivates them to vacation there. I have heard of people wanting to go to Turkey for vacation but then again they just found the body of a missing mother from New York

I'm also curious as to why someone would want to go to a place referred to as "one of the toughest places on earth"(John Kerry). I have never had the urge or every heard anyone say:

Hey lets go to Afghanistan/Libya/Iran/Lebanon/Syria/Algeria/Iraq for out summer vacation!

It doesn't happen. .

I have gotten the response that, they just want to help the children, or they want to help with medical care. Have you lost your mind? Have they ever seen the children here in their own backyard? Maybe they should help the children here before they make these foreign kids their priority. As for medical care I hate to sound harsh but..fuck them. Its not up to Americans to go over seas to these dangerous countries and help their sick and dying. Why not help the sick and dying here in their own country?

I know this will probably flip some peoples lids but I dont believe in world peace. I think its a crock of shit pipe dream we all hold onto in the hopes that one day our world will one day be a better place but I highly doubt it.

White Girl Tortillas

As of yesterday I have become obsessed with making tortillas.
Yayo asked him mom yesterday if she could show me how to make tortillas.

As i sat in the kitchen watching...

She put flour in a bowl
added some salt
then added 2 handfuls of shortening
mixed it together
added warm water and made dough
kneaded the dough
broke it into bits rolled it up and flattened it a little
Rolled each dough ball out
put it on the hot iron skillet
and
BAM
Tortillas!

After she went home...i tried..
Today I tried...4 different times..

My tortillas turned out all kinds of weird..
some turned out like crackers
some like the regular flour tortillas you but at the store
Some came out with hard edges
and of course some burned

Never realized how white I am until these damn tortillas...

OK Ladies and Gents...Very Serious

POLICE WARNING, Serious Stuff!!!!!! This is an actual email from the (POLICE) Police Warning Ladies: Pass this to friends & daughters, EVERY FEMALE YOU KNOW!!! _____________________

People are R E A L L Y crazy! If you are a female, take heed!!! Please pass this along! Always, "Better safe than sorry!"
A man came over and offered his services as a painter to a female putting gas in her car and left his card. She said no, but accepted his card out of courtesy and got in her car. The man then got into a car driven by another gentleman.
As the lady left the service station, she saw the men following her out of the station at the same time. Almost immediately, she started to feel dizzy and could not catch her breath.
She tried to open the window and realized that the odor was on her hand; the same hand which accepted the card from the gentleman at the gas station. She then noticed the men were immediately behind her and she felt she needed to do something at that moment.
She drove into the first driveway and began to honk her horn repeatedly to ask for help. The men drove away but the lady still felt pretty bad for several minutes after she could finally catch her breath. Apparently, there was a substance on the card that could have seriously injured her.
This drug is called 'BURUNDANGA' and it is used by people who wish to incapacitate a victim in order to steal from or take advantage of them.
This drug is four times more dangerous than the date rape drug and is transferable on simple cards. So take heed and make sure you don't accept cards at any given time you are alone or from someone on the streets. This applies to those making house calls and slipping you a card when they offer their services.
PLEASE SEND THIS E-MAIL ALERT TO EVERY FEMALE/MALE YOU KNOW!!!!
Sgt. Gregory L. Joyner Internal Affairs Unit Louisville Metro Department of Corrections 400 South 6th Street Louisville , Ky 40202 Office: 502-574-7213.

Bills Bills Bills

I have to say I went to the doctor a lot when I was little. I checked the mail a lot when I was little. I never remember getting 3 different bills for one visit...I went to the Emergency Room in January and I'm just getting yet another bill in the mail...I received 2 already...

I dont completely understand the medical bill world but this is ridiculous.

Ban Coffee

So I watched this story on CNN about the levels of caffeine in Monster Energy Drink.

I'm astounded that people are so concerned about the levels of caffeine. There are so many other things we should be worried about.

Yeah so some kid died from drinking 2 Monsters in a 24hr period from myocarditis.
(for those who didnt take medical term inflammation of the cardiac muscles.)

If we are so worried about caffeine then maybe they should ban coffee. I can distinctly remember that Mr.Thomas (my gov/eco teacher) one morning in class gave the class a warning that if he started twitching in the back it was because Cookie made the coffee in the teachers lounge that day.
He did seem wired most of the morning.

Its stated in the in the news story that a Starbucks coffee(grande) is about 330mg of caffeine, where as a 8oz of Monster is about 80 mg.

Monster is going to start labeling as a beverage instead of a dietary supplement. My question is who thought it was a supplement? I sure as hell didnt.

Just watch the video, I think the attorney who talks is just stupid. he seems so worried and concerned. Pretty soon everyone will get worked up about some other food or beverage and it will be a nutritional uproar that no one will pay attention to.

If everyone is so concerned about nutrition and the caffeine levels and if its harmful or not to their bodies,their kids bodies..then there wouldnt be an obesity problem.

I mean really? Monsters? Caffeine levels? Now I personally drink Monsters every now and again. I actually prefer Redbull.

If they start wanting to mess with coffee, all hell will break loose.I know too many people who would murder if they didnt have their coffee in the morning...

God have mercy on their souls if they do..

Weird Dream

Well, as of right now I'm not allowing certain people to get on planes.
I had a very weird and kinda scary dream last night.

It felt like a Reunion of people i went to school with as far back as Junior High.

My Yayo for some reason got on a plane to go to Germany.
Laina, Michael, Mychal,Alex,Erick, my dad and Nutz all got on a plane going to some other country.

Someone said their planes had crashed and no one survived.

Then the reasons why the planes went down started up.
Malfunction
equiptment
engine failure

and some genius I went to school with decided to say
"maybe its a zombie apocalypse."

So we start talking about zombies and how they could have caused the crash.
lol we even pretended to be zombies and freakin out

Then the mentally challenged girl i went to school with in Junior High that everyone made fun of(i think she was autistic) shows up and actually starts trying to eat people!!

I woke up during the scramble to either kill her or run..

Oscars

I didnt watch the Oscars but as i scrolled through my newsfeed of only news channels and newspapers, I felt as if I had.

I found that the same events where on every news channel and every newspaper with different titles. Anyway after reading all the different titles and watching various news clips and video clips i felt as if I had watched them.

I know Ben Afflec was so proud of his Oscar. He got so emotional and sounded like a big panocha.
I know that some chick tripped on her way to receive her Oscar.

I know so much its crazy only the 2 above where my favs lol.

Then i read that the Oscars have higher ratings but with more negative feedback/reviews.

Maybe I'll watch the next Oscars..

10 Most Depressing States

Using data from federal health agencies Health.com has identified the 10 states with the highest rates of depression, psychological distress and other indicators of poor mental health.

Here they are, in alphabetical order:
Arkansas
Indiana
Kentucky
Michigan
Mississippi (poorest state,highest rate of depression in the nation)
Missouri
Nevada (1 in 11 residents)
Oklahoma (bottom five)
Tennessee
West Virginia (next to last)